Heartache.

I don't really know where to start this post off... I haven't written in a long time, mostly because I am afraid to post my feelings and thoughts online because right now I have a lot of people who don't like me, and I can only imagine what they think when I post things about my God. But, the Lord reminds me that they don't know the whole story, and if they did, I can only hope they would understand and forgive me.

Lately, I have been clinging to God in prayer and fasting and just continually studying His word. He is constantly showing me areas I have gone wrong, that I wish I would have known years ago... although years ago I barely even knew Him.

One of my biggest prayers is my heart. I can't worry about other peoples hearts, which I am also praying that He will change, when I know my heart needs changing the most. My prayer for the last two or three weeks has been for him to soften my heart to obedience, to His will, and to love. All I can say, is I am amazed.

The obedience probably came first... that was probably the scariest thing I've done in a long time. I can't tell you how much I was shaking as I was driving my car to the place I knew He wanted me to go, but I've been avoiding. I had so much hardened feelings towards this place, and some of the people there... I honestly expected to be greeted with condemnation and a whip! But I wasn't... it was exactly the opposite. I was greeted with love, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding. I ended up staying an hour and a half longer than planned, and the Lord really redeemed my opinion on the whole situation. As I drove away I was still shaking, but not from fear as I was when I arrived, but from excitement.

Then the Lord really started working on my heart... but it definitely wasn't what I expected. Oh how it hurt. It felt like a hole was being punched over and over again in my heart and I didn't know how to make it stop. It didn't matter where I was- I would be in a big group of people and the pain would be nearly unbearable, but I just had to smile and pretend everything was okay... and it just kept getting worse. This past week I could hardly take it, and yesterday I hit a point of near depression. I was like, "God, what are you doing?!"

I thought a good nights sleep would help, so I went to bed at 7-something, & woke up at 10! (which is crazy for me). Unfortunately, I woke up in more heartache than I had when I fell asleep! Then I came out onto my porch and opened up my David study... and here I am still sitting, in awe.

The Lord really met me on this day... it couldn't have been more perfect, and I felt it as I was reading in 2 Samuel, before I even opened up the study! The scripture hit me- hard. But in a good way. Then it was followed up with a good, but hard blow from the study. Here are a few things that really struck me:

"Like Christ, we could be in the middle of God's will and find ourselves on a path of humiliation (talking about Christ carrying the cross, walking through a crowd that was spitting on Him and cursing Him). Or, like David, we could suffer the further humiliation of knowing we chose our own path. God is still merciful to meet us on the humiliating paths of our lives whether or not we chose them through rebellion."

"We can still cry out to God even when we thing we are getting what we deserve!"

"God comes to us even when our pain is self-inflicted. Times of humiliation and persecution do not have to be permanent injuries." - (all quotes by Beth Moore)

The study continued to talk about how God sends us people to support us, even when others are constantly kicking us. I can definitely see where God was doing this in my life the past 3 months. I am truly bless with friends like Sarah Rogers, who I know God sent to me to encourage me and seek Him, and showed me how much He loves me, right when I thought God was finished with me. Without her, I would have probably given up and be so lost right now... it scares me even thinking about where I'd be. Then there are my two best friends Stephanie Sims and Lauren Lewis, who give me encouragement through scripture and accountability, which I also desperately needed. I know I can always talk to them no matter what, and they give me solid advice, even when it's the advice I don't want to hear. Then there are people God sent to me who I barely even knew... Kim and her daughter Koryn VanDyke, who led me to an awesome church called New Day. There I met an amazing lady named Stephanie Jones, who I also feel God had sent into my life. He also sent me a lady named Jess Sagun, who I would have never even talked to, but the Lord definitely works in mysterious ways, and she ended up being one who has walked closest in my shoes, and her wisdom helped get me out of pretty bad situation. I am so thankful for all these people, and every time I think of them I am reminded of the parable of the lost sheep in Matthew 18:10-14. I was the lost sheep.

I realized that this pain coming from my heart, is the Lord healing and softening my heart. And if the pain must get any worse for Him to continue, than I pray it does. He is working so deeply on my heart, it feels as if He is actually re-breaking it in places where it was once broken, but healed incorrectly. Therefore by re-breaking it, He can set it right and it can be mended correctly. I know out of all this heartache, the end result will be worth it.