My Heart.

I might have another blog somewhere titled 'my heart', like this one is... but I know it will have a totally different meaning. This blog is going to share a little more than I like to put on the internet about myself... but oh well.

I keep my heart well guarded- which is good right- because the Bible tells me to. But I've seen the bad side of this, where I don't let a lot of people get too close- this includes friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, family, and especially men. I like to keep my distance because it's what is comfortable for me. I don't like opening up to people about my personal problems bc I know they most likely don't want to hear them... And when I do open up, even just a little, I find I get hurt by the tiniest negative comments made by the person I open up to (even when they don't mean to). I think my heart subconsciously knows if it opens up to show it's true ideas, or feelings, it will get hurt... It's been there, done that(many times), and doesn't really want to go through it anymore.

As I was thinking of this last week, I kinda began to talk to God about it. I asked Him to show me my heart- because I've been praying for about the past year and a half for Him to heal my heart- (This is something I should have been praying for the past 5+ years). I wanted to know where my heart was in it's 'healing process'. This year, since I've been back from India I've taken a bit of time in prayer ministry digging out roots of the past, forgiving, severing soul ties, and praying through a lot of things that have definitely helped heal a lot of past hurts. So I thought my heart was doing pretty good. The only thing I saw that I needed to work on is taking down the stone wall I've built around it! Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when God really did give me a vision of my heart, and what I saw kindashocked me.

Let me say, when I asked God to show me my heart, I wasn't really expecting to see it... but I did. I saw my heart- the outside had a good bit of scar tissue, but what struck me was the huge gaping hole in it. It looked like someone had stuck a grenade in my heart, and it went off. You could tell it wasn't a recent wound because it wasn't bleeding- but the scar tissue was blacked inside like it had been very badly burnt, and it was so bad it almost looked like my heart was deformed. It was gross.

I've been praying about my heart a lot this week, because I want that hole gone. I want healing that can only come from God.

Today I woke up and wanted to paint more than I've wanted to in a long time. I didn't know why- but it was like an intense craving that I had to fill. I thought about painting all day- and I decided when I got home I would lock myself in my room- and paint. When I got home, that's what I did. I had no idea what to paint, so I put on some worship music and sat down and asked God to show me what to paint. He wanted me to paint my heart... but this time he showed me another picture of my heart.. so that's what I painted.