My Calling

*Note: This blog was originally written a few weeks ago, like the first week of January, in my journal, then typed out about 2 weeks ago on a friends computer in India. However, I never had time to publish it bc the internet wasn't working so well.. so here it is now :)

My Calling

For the past few days I’ve been praying hard about a lot of things. The first thing that I’ve just been constantly praying about while I’m here is my family in America. Being in India is like being in my other life, where I can focus only on being here, why I’m here, and what is happening here and around me. There is literally no time to think of “home” as in America; or what is going on there; ect. I know from past experiences it is a huge distraction to me, so everyday I’ve just been putting my family in the hands and care of God, and loving them through prayer.

The second thing that has been really pulling on my heart, that I’ve really had to get down on my knees about, is if I should pursue the desires, plans, and dreams that I feel given to me from God, involving India. Everything has been coming together over the past few months, as if God has been revealing things to me little by little, but I had no idea how these things would work out together, or if it was my own heart, or Gods that was giving these visions to me. This goes together with the third thing I’ve been praying about- and that is not going home.

Let me back up to the desires in my heart and where I wanted my life to go this year… I knew I was suppose to be in India on this one month trip… I didn’t know why before I left- but I was just happy to be coming back to my 'home away from home'. I’ve always heard people telling me things about God’s calling on their life… and I always get so super excited hearing about these things, but then always end up going home and praying, asking “what is my calling Lord?!”.

I’ve always said I would never own a house- because I knew I never wanted tosettle somewhere permanently… so when God put a desire on my heart to buy a house it kind of shocked me. What?! A house?! And in February?! He had also revealed to me that He wants me to do a 9 months school of ministry this year, in America, through my church. This is awesome, but kind of painful knowing I’ll be away from India for a solid 10 months. There are a few other girls doing the school of ministry that I know, who also need living arrangements, and the housing market is so good right now for buying, it works out to where we will be able to afford the monthly payments. So we will see what God does with that .

Another desire God gave me is for the ministry of discipleship and deliverance. He has kind of been revealing this to me for the past 3 or 4 months, slowly, but gradually getting stronger and stronger confirmation and wisdom about it. It’s kind of scarry, and I won’t go into to much detail, because it’s something I haven’t talked to too many people about.

Another desire God put into my heart was to do the school of ministry, and take everything I’ve learned and compact it into a 1-2 month training/discipleship/deliverance ministry to be able to take it here and teach/pour into new believers- both in India and wherever God takes me in the future.

“A planting of the Lord, that He may be Glorified!!!” –Is. 61:3.

God gave me a vision this past summer, of what I am to Him. The vision He gave me was of a Sunflower. This didn’t make much sense to me, until last month I looked up the symbolism of a sunflower- Sunflowers are pretty, but are not used for their beauty, but for their harvest (oil and seeds). They also move their faces throughout the day to always follow the sun. When Iwas praying and reading God’s word last week, he put Isaiah 61:3 in my heart, so I turned there in my Bible. I saw where I had drawn a small picture of another vision God had given me several weeks earlier in my church. It was of a sunflower, but with different roots, and the word “grafting” written next to it. The word grafting in horticulture means a shoot or scion inserted into a slit of stock, from which it receives sap. So basically this is done so a certain kind of plant can be cut and grafted with another plants roots so it will be able to grow in a totally different climate. This is something farmers do.

All of this was starting to come together for me.

So, as I’ve been praying through all of this here, let me talk about what I’ve been going through since I arrived in India, emotionally. When I landed in India, I expected it to be just like the last two times I came to India- culture shock, and getting use to everything that makes India the incredible India. You know that feeling you get when you go on vacation, and it’s great but after a few days you start to miss home a bit? That kind of describes what I’ve been going through the past few months in America. And landing in India, what the exact feeling of coming home from a long vacation and super long drive and finally crossing the border of the town you live in. That’s what stepping off the plane was like for me. My first week here was spent in Bangalore, and it was amazing- more than I could have ever imagined. But it was almost as if I had never left India- nothing seemed strange to me; no culture shock; and even more weird, no jet lag! That still amazes me. Lol. About 4 days into India, I realized I might not make my flight home at the end of January.

I’ve been really praying hard about this subject. India feels like home- like I was suppose to be born here. Maybe that’s why all my life people have asked “are you Asian?” Now I say, “No, God just made me look like this because I am that much called to Southeast Asia.” :P I literally inquired about changing my ticket- staying a month longer, or staying 5 months longer. Oh I’m exhausted because it’s all I’ve been able to think about. But I could never hear a definite answer from God. Maybe because my heart was too far into the answer I desperately wanted to hear… “stay”.

So I got on facebook to email 3 ladies from my church who know my heart, but I also trust that can hear from God in a situation like this, and give me legit advice. I typed out this long message, explaining about me praying about changing my ticket and why. Then, as I went to click “send”, I felt God literally say “No.” So I stopped, and listened, and felt Him say, “If you send this email, it will be a waste of time- You are suppose to go home, buy a house, do the school, and then my Child, you will come back and do incredible work through Me that you are not ready to do now if you stay.” BAM. Just like that- tears and excitement just poured over me. So I clicked “cancel” on the message, knowing I couldn’t stay here in India, and I have to go back to America. Then I will come back and be grafted, or better yet, graft Him into the men and women in India.

“They shall be called Oaks of Righteousness.” –Is. 61.