Redemption & Brokenness.

  Today was a pretty intense day for me. Well, this whole week has been pretty intense, but I won't go into that tonight.
  I am just going to be honest and say I do a REALLY great job of looking like I have everything together... I put on the front that I am strong, and don't deal with pain and suffering in my life. I've been through a lot of prayer ministry, so hey, I'm healed right? Well... tonight I had one of those God moments where He speaks right to your heart, and He revealed a lot of things to me, in that loving way that only He can do. So on the way home from school I stopped to get a journal for what I feel is going to be my new season in life. A season of honesty, and journaling (I haven't been honest in a journal in a long time, but I'll get to that too). By the way, I want to thank my friend Kristen for her journaling advice. :)
  So I went home and wrote my first journal entry, then felt lead to share it. Get ready for some deep stuff... this isn't exactly going to be easy.

Journal entry 1- September 5th, 2012

  I want this journal entry to be the start of a new season of my life. A season of being honest with people, with friends, with God, and with myself. A season of letting people into my heart (again, including myself) and letting out of it the fear of exposure and intimacy. I want the date of this journal entry to be a day of redemption in my life. So here is to new beginnings.
  I feel as if spiritually I've been building a wall around myself. Slowly I've been drawing away from life- including the Lord. I've been letting myself become too busy with things, and detaching my emotions from everything so I don't realize how stressed out I've really become. When I get home I am usually beyond exhausted so I just turn on a tv show to fill my free time so I don't even have to think.  My quiet time became more of a checklist, instead of genuinely listening to hear from the Lord, and see what He has to say about things. Where has my passion gone for Him? I use to be head-over-heels, could never get enough of Him!

   I know the Lord has never left me... He is always there waiting. But I had spiritually check out on life a few months back- and even though I've tried to check back in, I couldn't seem to find the door. Well, I'm pretty sure I've found it tonight.

   I've never let myself be completely honest in journals. I always had this fear lingering over me 'what if someone read this'. So by not being honest, I'm pretty much just lying to myself. When I was in 5th grade, I had a slumber party where all my friends took my journal while I was sleeping and read it. They found out my biggest secret at the time, which was about my parents being gay... this was a big deal in 5th grade, because no one else had gay parents. Or at least no one talked about it... they obviously hid their journals better (jk) :). So after that I stopped journaling until high school. I started back journaling in high school, and continued to journal for years... it was my way of coping with life. My the last guy I dated found all these journals, and made me destroy them in 2009. And since then, I haven't really been able to be completely honest in a journal... forming the habit of not being honest with myself.

   Tonight during school of ministry, I nearly broke down crying as soon as they started to play worship- but I was able to force myself not to... at least for the first few minutes.

  You see, today makes the 3 year anniversary of something very painful in my past... my first marriage.  A girl only dreams of being married once in her life- and my first marriage came with a horrible story between two very broken people trying to cover their own sin instead of turning to Christ. This marriage lasted 6 months. Since then, I have to say I've gone through the greatest christian years of my life, learning what it truly means to be loved, forgiven, and to forgive... years of redemption and growth and lots of healing. I'm not saying these years weren't painful... actually they've probably been the most painful... but I've learned what a real relationship with Christ is, so it has definitely been worth the pain.
   Praise Jesus.
  But tonight, as I struggled to 'keep it together', I had a vision of Jesus breaking down the wall I built around myself and coming in to comfort and rescue me.

... that's when I finally broke down sobbing...

 I can tell myself over and over again that I am healed from my past- that I am completely restored and free of all that happened to me, and all I did to myself... but telling myself that doesn't change the truth... it only buries it with a lie.
  The truth is, I've been healed of a lot... but I still need a lot of healing from this. And it's going to probably be a daily thing- and take a long, long time. But I know Christ will never leave me, nor forsake me... and I'm more than happy to be His broken vessel for the rest of my life.